scb.

there are days that i miss you. and even though sometimes i try and try and try to squeeze your memory out of my head in an effort to not ruin my day, i can't. and today is one of them. i know you were in new york city yesterday, and i know you had lunch with an old friend of ours, and i know you met someone. and i'm happy for you, because you've had 2 years of being alone on the road constantly, and you deserve to be happy.

but this weekend, i'm moving. to a new place with our dog and she & i are starting a life alone together. and i'm so excited and so ecstatic to grow up, but part of me wishes you were here too. and you won't be and i won't call you and i don't expect you to ever be a part of it again, but i'm allowed to feel this way. and i miss you today.

lately -

lately, i've been dealing with a lot. then again, who isn't? but for once on this barren little blog, i'm not gonna bitch about it. crazy, right?! (to be honest, i'm just not in the mood. too tired.)

to begin, approximately a month (or so) ago, i was traveling home rather late from a night of metal music and pbr, and a man who had many more than he should've slammed into the trunk of my car. crumpled my rear end, left me with a knot on my forehead, and gave me the pleasure of driving a rental car for 4 weeks while my almost new vehicle was being repaired. but, in the end, i got my baby matrix back, i didn't have a head injury, no one was hurt, and i got one pretty sweet settlement without having to hire one of those cheesy lawyers who don't "get paid until you do!" to put it plainly, i was lucky. real lucky.

next, life with men of course hasn't calmed. i told the bartender who's been in and out of my life for 2 years that i couldn't be around anymore just for the hell of it because he has a 'can't commit- terrified of stability-fearful of love' complex. it was killing me, and i had to end it for my own sake. so now, no more star wars sheets. finally.

then, this past weekend, someone else comes along. this man is someone whom i've known on a very casual basis for years, but not until right before i moved, did i actually meet him. he was married 2 years ago, but i knew through the small grapevine/rumor mill that is charleston that shortly after the marriage started, it ended. well, he makes his presence more known these days, and this past weekend, he made it known with me. both nights of the weekend were spent sitting across a bar table from him, talking about life, challenging each other's thoughts, laughing, and drinking.

he still lives with the woman who he once exchanged vows with. but he refuses to call her his wife.

i know what you're thinking, and no, nothing happened. no, i was not a mistress, and no, i wasn't the other woman. but i thought about it. and for once, i didn't let the alcohol get the best of my conscious decisions, and both nights, i said goodnight. not good morning. and that made me happy. but, i'm not gonna lie, he did kiss me before i left sunday night. and i haven't had a moment since driving off that i haven't thought of him. and it sucks. because what he's a part of is messy, and his life right now is so beyond repair for me to help, he has a whole hell-of-a-lot to sort out before i can even dream of becoming a part of his world. but, for some reason, having another being to sit and talk about life with that wasn't a gabby girlfriend and instead an intellectual, beautiful, and talented man; well, it was nice. he said at some point over the weekend that he felt "safe" with me, and i told him, that for the first time in a long time, i felt the same. so, we'll see. we'll see if i see him next time in town, we'll see if he calls, but i'm done holding my breath and i'm done hoping the other part of a relationship will fulfill my expectations. they never do, so by not waiting, i'm hoping it'll work itself out. no matter what the outcome. soon.

but that's my lately. a neverending saga of trials and tribulations that involve heartbreak and rock and roll, and occasionally a vodka tonic squeezed in between with great friends.

so far, spring hasn't been that disappointing. let's hope it stays on the up&up.

my george.

i don't do death. i don't do the 'pity me because someone i know died' or i don't make the details of that person's passing public on facebook, i deny it. i deny that someone who had a spirit that filled every nook and cranny of every room he entered could've left us so quickly, i deny that someone who literally had the brightest smile on the planet took his own life because the smile wasn't real.

a friend of mine used a pistol to take his pain away a couple days ago, and in his passing, i guess it puts me at ease to know his turbulent soul is at finally at peace, but it pains me to think that i'll never hear 'emiry' ever again from a man who always knew how to make my frown disappear.

you will forever be missed, greg williams, and you had alot of people who loved you. who still love you. i hope that someday, i'll see you in the clouds again.

vacations.

i don't know what we're doing.

it's been 2 years. 2 years, and i still find myself waking up beside you every morning i'm there, wondering if this will be the final morning i'm in the star wars sheets. but it never is. because i know, that in 2 weeks, when i'm back, i'll see you. again.

and honestly, i'm so. sick. of. this. charade.

there are so many times that i want to say i love you. there are so many times when i want to roll over and punch you so hard for dragging me through this wave of emotions for 2 years. i found you after i had gotten out of one serious and one not so serious relationship, on a night that we picked up beer and went home to play wii. we didn't play wii. and that was in the spring of 2008.

and yet, i made your bed this weekend. and i went to your house when you weren't there and picked up your room because i needed a space to put my bag. and i gave you advice. and you listened. i hate that i feel like a girlfriend to you when i'm in town, but BAM. the moment i leave, it's like i have no clue where i stand. i don't know half of who you are, but i feel like after two years, i should know more than i do.

i know part of what happened in your past to make you this untouchable man who has a heart of stone. but i also know that somewhere deep inside you, there's still a faint glow that might resemble love that you'll one day give away. and i don't know what's kept me in your life for 2 years, and why you haven't tried your hardest to buck what we do, or where we're going, but i feel like if i was really as fed up with you as i sometimes think i am, i wouldn't still be thinking about you. right now. at work.

i know you don't read this, and this is partly the reason why i'm writing this, but i want you to know that one day, if you wake up in your empty room and you feel like you need someone there to be with you, and to know you, i would. i would be there. because i do, no matter how much i deny it, and how much i try and tell myself that it would never work, i love you.

why?
you call my little sister on her birthday to ask if she's 21 yet.
on that note, you sneak my little sister and her friends in your bar to watch over her and make sure she has a good time when she's in town and i'm not.
you calm me down when i freak out about situations that involve my car.
you used to come change the lightbulbs in my house that i couldn't reach.
you get people to walk with me to your car around the block because "bad things happen in back alleys" when i've left earrings in your car.
you get excited when you show me new things you learned in super mario.

god, you're one hell of a geek, but i've fallen for you. and no matter what you think, it was impossible not to after 2 years of this. i denied for 2 years thinking you'd be anything in my life but the bartender who cleared my tab and who occasionally was present in my bed, but goddamn it, you're more.

and i don't know whether i need to hate you for it, or tell you that i want you in my life for a little while longer.

need you now.

picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

reaching for the phone 'cause i can't fight it anymore

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

for me it happens all the time

it's a quarter after 1, i'm all alone

and i need you now

said i wouldn't call, but i lost all control

and i need you now

and i don't know how i can do without

i just need you now

another shot of whiskey

can't stop looking at the door

wishing you'd come sweeping in

the way you did before

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

for me it happens all the time

it's a quarter after 1, i'm a little drunk

and i need you now

said i wouldn't call, but i lost all control

and i need you now

and i don't know how i can do without

i just need you now

guess i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

it's a quarter after 1, i'm all alone

and i need you now

and i said i wouldn't call, but i'm a little drunk

and i need you now

and i don't know how i can do without

i just need you now.

i just need you now.

oh baby, i just need you now.

ribbons, bows, and life.

you never know what life's gonna hand you when you get that diploma. i guess in may, i figured this christmas i'd be in charleston, still going out every night, going to sleep at 5 am, and waking up just in time for a greasy lunch and happy hour. boy, was i wrong.

these days, i live in a city that i swore would never be my place of residence, desperately trying to find a circle who reminds me of those i left behind, and working for a job that i can't believe i actually look forward to coming to every morning.

i absolutely love my job. if you don't know this, my previous work experience has been working under narcissistic, sexist, and insane leaders who have no clue how to properly run a work environment and have no people skills whatsoever. now, i have a development director that constantly compliments my accomplishments, has told me time and again that the goal she has for me is to teach me how to do every single thing she does on a daily basis, and a president who told me last week that i've far exceeded her expectations.

the point of this post isn't to brag about how great of a job i'm doing, it's to essentially say that because of this job, i left a life that i thought i could live in forever, but coming to work everyday to learn from people who are absolutely thrilled about teaching and very understanding of a recent graduate's needs; i couldn't be happier with that decision.

in other news, (because i've been so bad about updating this thing), every chance i get i'm back to neverland. spending nights on couches of best friend's, absorbing their life that i'm not a part of every single day anymore, and being in the bar that taught me about life in the holy city.

my life isn't really as interesting as it once was to post on this blog, i work from 9-5 monday through friday, friday afternoons i usually pack up layla and head down i-26 towards charleston, then monday morning the whole routine begins again. sometimes, i'll stick around the capitol city to catch a band i once knew at the new brookland, or spend days in my pajamas at the lake, but as for now, i'm kind of enjoying my boring life. it keeps me sane, and this routine that thrills me is what i need presently.

my heart still misses him-- occasionally a night will occur when i'll find myself picking up his phone call, but once more, our lives are in different cities, and as of now, i have no plans to turn in my two weeks notice and call it quits at the policy council. i will see him over christmas, he said he plans on spending some time with me and the family that still adores him, so we'll see. this job makes me happy, the people i work with make me happy, and i know soon... i'll find that circle that'll help me call this place home. finally.

i guess you could say that i'm going to have a very merry christmas.

wild thing.

i don't know what my life is like right now. every single day is something new and different, and my emotions always seem to be way more exaggerated than need be. prime example: i went to visit charleston a few weeks ago. spent the night both nights with the bartender. did a couple things that aren't worth mentioning that i'm not too proud of and left there with a heavy heart and an incredible longing to be with best friends again.

now, i'm back in columbia. and i'm not complaining, honestly, but there are days that i absolutely despise everything this town has to offer. it seems like this capitol city is constantly trying to duplicate what the city 100 miles down the road has, and does it in a half ass way. this town is nothing compared to the holy city that i had a love affair with for four years, but it's my new home, so i have to suck it up and accept it for what it is.

in terms of my heart, well, like i said - the bartender still hasn't disappeared. and while i know there will never, ever be a time in my life where i need him more than just a person to wake up beside, there is a new boy. in columbia. he works in a shop that i literally go to 12 times a week to edit proofs, double check envelopes, take over donor lists, etc. well, last night, i sucked it up and finally met him and his group of friends out for a show because they asked me to. instead of sulking in the comforts of my grandparent's living room beside a restless dog, i bought myself yet another pair of leggings, put on a v neck, and ordered a vodka tonic. and boy, let me tell you, this new one is a beautiful human being. nothing like what i would ever see myself liking, a tall scruffy blonde who likes plaid and beanies and beards. but, good god, he's beautiful. and really funny. so who knows what'll happen, he asked me what my plans were this weekend, but being my mysterious self, i escaped the bar without a warning, and alas, no numbers were exchanged.

i guess what i'm trying to say is god, i hope this new boy is a reason to start to learn to love columbia. because that would be just dee-lightful.